Dear Presidential Candidates,
The battle for my vote has begun in earnest here in America. Candidates from both sides are working vigorously to convince me that they deserve to be President of the United States. Some other candidates may be running for Congress, states or local offices, etc., but you wouldn’t really know it. It seems that the press is most concerned with who I will choose for President. I’m kind of a big deal around here apparently. Only the big elections are worth my time.
But before you all get started, let me lay out some ground rules. I’m a stickler for these, and I will dismiss you out of hand if you ignore them. Listen closely because I won’t repeat myself.
The first rule is this: If you think you can scare me into voting for you, you’re wrong. End of discussion.
I will not make choices based on fear. Except in the case of sky-diving, base-jumping or bungee jumping. In which case, I will primarily make my decision based on fear. Voting? Not going to be fear-based. Try again.
This includes fear of other candidates being awful (of course, they are, if they’re fearmongering!), fear of terrorists, inevitable war, loss of manhood, loss of all my rights forever, blah blah, blah. Exaggerating for effect will not do you well. I will turn on my bullshit preventer (or turn off my t.v. or the internet) and look elsewhere.
I will not make choices based on fear. Except in the case of sky-diving, base-jumping or bungee jumping. In which case, I will primarily make my decision based on fear. Voting? Not going to be fear-based. Try again.
But, you insist, if Orange Glow Face wins…
Shut up. What else ya got? Tell me why you are a good candidate. Tell me what you believe, not what I should be terrified of.
But, but, but, you persist, can the other candidate save us from…
Cease. Desist. You’re not giving me facts. You’re not giving me observable phenomena. We’re about the scientific method here. Panic is for cowards.
If you’re stubbornly clinging to the boogeyman strategy at this point, I believe it’s time you went to the doctor and got some Xanax. Obviously the lobotomy was a poor choice earlier.
•••
Next on the list is this: Don’t accuse me of sexism.
Oh, it’s tempting. I’m a man, you say, so there’s gotta be some vestigial woman-hate simmering in my cranium. I mean, even if I don’t see it, you can, because you just met me and you have a woman’s intuition.
I’m aware of sexism. I hate it. I want to see institutional reforms like the Equal Rights Amendment made law. I want legal support for equal pay for women. I want bastard men who abuse women to suffer severe punishments and I don’t want them to ever have access to weapons, especially guns.
No, you don’t. What you have is centuries worth of repressive patriarchal society telling you you’re not as good or as valuable as a man. That’s utter horseshit to me. I’m a feminist. I’ve had my shitty man days, I’ve behaved horribly in my relationships with women, and I’ve come to understand that you’re right about men being assholes toward women. I see it. I know it. I don’t condone nor encourage it. And I’ve been humbled by the awareness that I was part of the problem at times.
Perhaps this isn’t convincing. Let me share a quick anecdote.
Twenty years ago, I moved from North Carolina to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. I stayed with a friend of mine at first while I looked for work. My friend is gay, so our social events consisted of nights out with his friends, mostly gay, and often at gay bars. I was totally comfortable with that. I was not comfortable with being out of work. So, when job offers weren’t forthcoming elsewhere, I took a job at a leather bar we often went to. And because that wasn’t sufficient to pay my way, my friend helped me get a job at a bookstore that also had a gay porn store in the back.
Almost no women came to these places. When they did, well, they were gay. The men who frequented either establishment were also gay, and I learned very quickly and thoroughly what the “male gaze” felt like. It wasn’t backed up by centuries of demeaning assumptions, no, but it was very real. At the bar it was more than just gazing. I was groped, politely, but nonetheless groped. At some point, since I had to pass as gay to keep the job, I even groped a little myself. I’m a good actor. Honest.
So I’m aware of sexism. I hate it. I want to see institutional reforms like the Equal Rights Amendment made law. I want legal support for equal pay for women. I want bastard men who abuse women to suffer severe punishments and I don’t want them to ever have access to weapons, especially guns.
Believe me when I say that I’m not making choices about whether I’ll elect any candidate based on their genitals, their appearance in regards to gender norms, or the tone of their voice. Not going to happen. So lay off the guilt trip. It’s not necessary.
But, but not everyone is…
Gotcha. But I am. Let’s be polite and assume most of us are.
But the opportunity to…
Listen to the words coming out of my mouth: Give me arguments based on facts, not endorsements. I’ll read all day if you have something compelling and intelligent. I’ll dismiss in a heartbeat anything flimsy or based on celebrity.
Stop it. An election for me is not about precedents. I’d love to elect the first woman President. I’d also love to elect the first non-Christian President. I’d love to elect the first Black woman President, the first Asian-American President, the first gay President, the first Native American President, the first almost anything President. (Not the first fascist President, by the way.) But that’s all beside the point.
I’m voting based on what a candidate has on their resume. I’m voting on what a candidate feels passionately about, and about how well they articulate that passion. I’m voting for someone I trust not to sell me out once they’re elected.
Sexism is not an accusation I’ll abide. It won’t grease the tracks for you. In fact, it’ll stall your progress like Super Glue instead.
But famous women endorse m…
Don’t care. Famous women are no more convincing to me than famous men.
But progressive famous women…
Listen to the words coming out of my mouth: Give me arguments based on facts, not endorsements. I’ll read all day if you have something compelling and intelligent. I’ll dismiss in a heartbeat anything flimsy or based on celebrity.
•••
So, to recap, if you want me to even consider voting for you:
1) No fearmongering
2) No accusations of being a sexist pig
That’s about it. You can resume your campaigning now.
Oh, and no racism either.
Sincerely,
The Voter Who Will Likely Decide the Whole Election
